I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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