i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
