I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
