I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Blood and glitter go together right?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
