College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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