Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Randomize
