Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
