if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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