I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
