I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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