I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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