atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
