it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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