I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
