I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
