i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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