we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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