Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
