The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i will never coherently bang her
I forgot how hot balto sounded
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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