Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
