the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
