Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
