Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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