Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
