Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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