I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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