Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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