Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
