Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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