my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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