I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
