we need to drink 2009 down the drain
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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