oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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