last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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