I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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