I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
