I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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