ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
