Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
