no, he came in my armpit
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
