Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
