Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
