some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If I die, sorry about rent.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
