I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
