You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
