Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hippo gnu deer
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm both gender and math confused
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
