I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
