So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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