This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Pooping to opera.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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