i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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